Diary of a Word Nerd

Embrace the Change

Posted on May 24, 2019 by Julia Tomiak / 7 Comments

My oldest child has just completed his first year of college, and what a fabulous experience he had. He challenged himself academically, physically, and socially. He struck a successful balance between study and play. He found wonderful friends, including his roommate. And he and I established a rhythm for communication that gave him enough space, yet allowed me to feel connected.

When people ask him about college, he says, “College is great! Ten out of ten recommend.”

The goal of parenting is to launch, and my son has happily launched.

So why do I still get sad?

I’ve been prepping my son for college for the past 15 years, but the transition hit me harder than I expected. I approached moving day with a brave face, lugging linens and clothes up to the dorm room and helping just a little with organizing. When it came time to go, I said a quick goodbye and cleared out before the water works began in earnest. I was proud of myself.

But two days later, middle son, who wanted to claim some much deserved space, asked for help cleaning out oldest son’s room. I agreed, unaware of the emotional hurricane that was about to hit. With each photo I unpinned from the bulletin board, the realization that things would never be the same sank in deeper and harder. Soon, I was a mess of blinding tears and high pitched sobs. Middle son stood perplexed beside me, holding a dust cloth and asking, “Mom, are you okay?”

That was my low point.

Since then, I’ve adjusted. Somewhat. I can leave after a visit without shedding tears, but sometimes, sadness unexpectedly pops up, like when one of his siblings says something that reminds me so much of him that my throat closes and I have to blink away the heat rising in my eyes. My most recent relapse occurred when I realized he wouldn’t be home for his birthday for the first time ever. I needed a hug from a dear friend to recover.

A few weeks ago, I found a name for the emotions I’ve been grappling with for the past nine months: grief. No one has died, but a season of my life is gone. And oldest son is just the first domino to fall. Soon, I will only have two children at home. Then none. Over the next few years, the daily pattern of my life will change dramatically. This is a sobering and sometimes overwhelming thought.

But, naming my experience – grief – empowers me to deal with it more effectively. I must be kind and patient with myself during the grieving process, but I must not wallow. Change is hard for me, but it’s not necessarily bad.

Instead of clutching onto the past, I can open my heart to the possibilities that lie ahead for my children and me, and honestly, opening feels better than clutching. I will see new places as my children’s worlds expand. I will pursue some of the interests I’ve limited or put on hold for the past two decades. And, as counter intuitive as it sounds, by giving my children space to grow, I believe I will eventually find myself closer to them. Maybe not physically, but in other ways.

Honestly, opening feels better than clutching

Speaking of staying close, I’ve decided to embrace the social media /communication platform my kids like the most. Currently, that’s Snap Chat. I don’t exactly understand why everything has to come with an often goofy and crooked photo, but when I “snap” them, they respond quickly, and I get a glimpse of their world (often a classroom ceiling) or a precious face. A friend calls it “proof of life”.

As a mother, I often feel multiple emotions at the same time- pride, happiness, worry, grief- that’s just for one child. No wonder it’s so exhausting! But as challenging as this gig is, I know it’s making me a better person, and I know great things are in store, if I just open up and embrace the change.

For all you moms out there getting ready to launch a child, this is for you. Open your heart and embrace the change. And let me know if you need a hug. Thank you to Dana of Kiss My List for introducing me to the concept of “embrace”. 🙂

How do you deal with big changes?

Thanks for getting nerdy with me!

Book reviews

Great Book Quotes: Little Fires Everywhere

Posted on May 17, 2019 by Julia Tomiak / 1 Comment

I recently finished listening to Little Fires Everywhere, by Celeste Ng. (I’m taking advantage of my Audible membership and getting way more “reading” done via audiobooks.) A full review will come soon, but since May in general, and this week in particular, is CRAZY, for now I will share one of my favorite passages from the book.

Little Fires Everywhere book — Have you read this? A great book.

Little Fires Everywhere explores, among other things, how people decide what is “right” and “wrong”. Ng does a great job of presenting sympathetic characters who stand on opposite sides of an issue, leaving the reader to decide who is right or wrong, if anyone is.

Near the end of the book, in chapter 16, one of the characters thinks:

For her, it was simple… one had followed the rules, and one had not. But the problem with rules, he reflected, was that they implied a right way and a wrong way to do things, when in fact most of the time, there were simply ways. None of them quite wrong or quite right, and nothing to tell you for sure which side of the line you stood on.
Celeste Ng, Little Fires Everywhere

As someone who has always liked “rules”, this passage hit me hard. In a good way. As I’m getting older, I’m realizing that I need to be more flexible in how I decide “right” and “wrong”. And that sometimes, rules serve a purpose, but sometimes they cause problems.

Where do you stand on rules?

Thanks for getting nerdy with me!

Improving vocabulary

Why is it called “bussing tables”?

Posted on May 8, 2019 by Julia Tomiak / 3 Comments

There are three teenagers in my family now, and as the month of June swiftly approaches, the topic of summer jobs has come up several times. Me to college son: “Aren’t you going to look for a summer job?” (He cites summer classes and travel plans as an obstacle.) Or daughter at the dinner table, “I’ve gotta find a job this summer. I need money.” (She needs to fund her weakness for sushi.)

While discussing job options, I shared that the teens’ father bussed tables during high school summers, which prompted my youngest to ask, “What the heck is bussing tables?” It was a curious question, how the “bus boy” got his name, and the Word Nerd had to research.

According to Barry Popik, a contributor to the Oxford English Dictionary and an expert on the origins of many food related terms, the term “bus boy” was used in the late 1800’s as a shortened form of “omnibus boy” to describe a waiter’s assistant who performed many or “omnibus” tasks, including filling water glasses, shuttling plates to and from the kitchen, and cleaning tables. (Omnibus means of, related to, or providing many things at once.)

“Bus boy” was cited in print as early as 1902, and the term “bussing tables” is seen in print from 1945. In those days, the waiter’s assistant was almost always a boy or man, but now women also perform this work, so the term “busser” is used more often.

If you like learning about the origin of words, visit Kathy at Bermuda Onion for Wondrous Words Wednesday. Each week, bloggers share favorite words or new words they’ve learned.

Did you know where the term bussing came from? Do you have any other curious words about summer jobs to share? Cheers to summer, and hopefully, summer employment!

Thanks for getting nerdy with me!

Who I Am

The Importance of Silence

Posted on May 3, 2019 by Julia Tomiak / 4 Comments

I’ve always said the month of May is crazier than Christmas. End of school year activities bombard my calendar, and I often feel like I’m treading water with bricks tied to my ankles. However, this May, the schedule is just as bad, but my attitude is better. I recently had an epiphany after receiving the same message three different ways in one morning.

It came first via my morning devotional from the book I’ve Been Thinking… Reflections, Prayers, and Meditations for a Meaningful Life by Maria Shriver. It’s a collection of devotions on everything from grief to fortitude. In the segment, “When life throws you a curveball”, Shriver writes, “’Going internal’ – pausing, reflecting, meditating—allows us to bring sanity into our daily lives. It makes us better people, better professionals, and better leaders. It’s better for our brains and our bodies. It’s better for our self-respect. It’s better for the creative spirit that lives inside all of us.”

I took a deep breath and held those words close to my soul. Shriver’s recommendation to “go internal” was just what I needed before I left the quiet of my bedroom to start the day’s, and the month’s, many, many tasks.

Then later, with my sons, I read from Mother Teresa’s book Everything Starts from Prayer: Mother Teresa’s Meditations on Spiritual Life for People of all Faiths. The passage said, “Man needs silence. To be alone or together looking for God in silence. There it is that we accumulate the inward power which we distribute in action, put in the smallest duty and spend in the severest hardships that befall us. Silence came before creation, and the heavens were spread without a word.”

I’ve heard words like this before, but this time, I didn’t just hear them. I embraced them, because I needed them.

Interior silence is very difficult but we must make the effort. In silence we will find new energy and true unity.
Mother Teresa, Everything Starts from Prayer

Finally, late that morning, the message hit me a third time. I was lying on a massage table, and the therapist found a tight, angry muscle that ran along my spine from my shoulder blade to my hip. “My goodness,” she said. “What did you do?”

“Life,” I replied. I’ve been doing life. I’ve got four kids, one husband, and an overflowing mind. I exercise, eat my veggies, but I rarely pause. Silence is hard for me; stillness even harder. But Maria Shriver, Mother Teresa, and my massage therapist were all telling me the same thing: slow down. And finally, I’m wise enough to listen. I need to balance “doing” with “pausing” because, quite frankly, the alternative doesn’t work.

In the past, during frantic times, when I’ve chosen all chaos and no silence, I’ve ended up crashing physically and mentally. I’ve gotten so overwhelmed with doing that I’ve lashed out at the very people I’m doing all the stuff for.

This May is going to be different. When I feel my chest tighten or my stomach twist or the urge to rush frantically into a long to do list, I will heed the whispered call to “go internal”. I will give myself permission to pause, even if it’s just for five minutes, and immerse myself in quiet. I will trade the spiraling, self-depreciating script of “I can’t do this, there’s too much, I’ll never get it all done” for silence.

I’m a week in, and so far, this balancing thing is going well. How about you? During this busy month of May, will you give yourself permission to find some silence?

I hope so.

Thanks for getting nerdy with me!

Awesome Young Adult Books/Book reviews

Why You Should Read I Have Lost My Way

Posted on April 26, 2019 by Julia Tomiak / 2 Comments

We’ve all felt loss. We’ve all been lost. And that, plus the gorgeous writing, is the appeal of I Have Lost My Way, Gayle Forman’s most recent young adult novel. The three main characters couldn’t be more different. One is a young black singer, one is a dutiful son in a Muslim family, and one is a white visitor to New York City on a tragic mission. But they all share one thing: a devastating sense of loss. Yet in that loss, they find each other.

Premise

Freya is a rising young singer with a studio contract and tons of followers on Instagram. But just when she should be recording her music, her voice stops working. Her manager sends her to doctors and specialists, but nothing brings her singing voice back. If she can’t sing, she will lose her career, and she’s already lost her father and her sister.

Harun lives in a family of devout Muslims who do not know that he is gay. He cannot bring himself to tell his parents the truth about himself, and because of that, he has lost the one person who understood and accepted him – James.

Nathaniel grew up in a “fellowship of two” – just him and his dad in a house in the woods. Unfortunately, Nathaniel’s father suffered from untreated mental illness, and Nathaniel spent his life caring for and protecting his father. He has recently discovered the cracks in the world where he and his father lived, and he can see only one future — and it’s not a happy one.

Freya, Harun, and Nathaniel collide in a freak accident in Central Park and spend the rest of the day discovering each other and finding what they’ve been so desperately missing.

What I Liked

Foreman effectively uses multiple points of view to lay out an interesting story. All three characters have distinct compelling voices, and it’s easy to follow who is thinking and doing what. The switching POVs add tension and interest to a quiet story that emphasizes character development.

Although they come from very different lives, the three characters connect in realistic ways because of one common experience: loss. It’s a theme much needed these days, when differences seem to overshadow the similarities between people.

There is a lot of emotion in I Have Lost My Way, but Foreman’s writing never feels melodramatic. She uses effective description and metaphors to make readers care for her characters. Here’s a good example:

“And secrets crave fissures, until the fissures become trenches, and the trenches become channels, and the channels become crevasses, and suddenly you are alone, on a block of ice, separated from everyone you care about.”

Or this:

“To be the holder of other people’s loss is to be the keeper of their love. To share your loss with people is another way of giving your love.”

Overall, Foreman’s writing is clear, and her imagery beautiful. I enjoyed her older novel, If I Stay, but I think the writing in I Have Lost My Way is better. It’s smoother and feels more authentic.

I Have Lost My Way has a happy ending, although everything isn’t neatly tied up. The characters do not necessarily get what they want, but they do get what they need, and they see the value in that.

Recommendation

I Have Lost My Way is a great read for people who like contemporary realistic fiction, especially if they are looking for diversity.

Notes on content

I Have Lost My Way includes scenes with intimacy that is described tastefully. There’s some swearing. And one of the characters is gay and wrestles with coming out to his family.

Are you a fan of Gayle Foreman? Have you read If I Stay or any of her other books? Can you recommend similar books with diverse characters wrestling with real life challenges?

Thanks for getting nerdy with me!

Appreciating Poetry

A Poem for Your Pocket 2019

Posted on April 18, 2019 by Julia Tomiak / 3 Comments

When was the last time you read a poem? Can’t remember? That’s a shame, because poetry is a powerful medium. It channels emotions into brief lines and phrases. For me and Word Nerds everywhere, poetry offers a fascinating study of the power and passion of words.

So we all need to read and write more.

Today is Poem in Your Pocket Day, a celebration of poetry started back in 2002 by the Office of the Mayor along with the New York City Departments of Cultural Affairs and Education. It’s become an important part of National Poetry Month, an annual event sponsored by The American Academy of Poets every April since 1996.

The American Academy of Poets has some great resources on its website, including a PDF with a great selection of poems to share and wonderful ideas for sharing them. Sidewalk chalk, handmade bookmarks, social media.

This year, I’m sharing “Instructions on Not Giving Up” by Ada Limon. It’s perfect for this season in my life. I love the colors of spring, the promise of the bright green leaves, the faith of this poem that so nicely voices the theme of my last blog post, The Ones with the Most Faith Win.

When all the shock of white
and taffy, the world’s baubles and trinkets, leave
the pavement strewn with the confetti of aftermath,
the leaves come. Patient, plodding, a green skin
growing over whatever winter did to us, a return
to the strange idea of continuous living despite
the mess of us, the hurt, the empty.
Ada Limon, “Instructions on Not Giving Up”

I don’t think I’m legally allowed to share the whole poem. You can find the entire piece, only 14 lines, here at poets.org. It’s lovely. Please read it and share it, or some other poem you find inspiring. I’d love to see more!

Have you heard of Poem in Your Pocket Day? What celebrations of poetry have you come across this month? What’s a poem you’d like to share?

Thanks for getting nerdy with me!