When my first child left for college, the transition shook me harder than I expected. It took me a long time to process, and overcome, what I would eventually label my grief. I feel pretty certain, looking back, that I was clinically depressed. Four years later, I am preparing to send child #3 off to college. I *think* I am ready, although emotions have a wily way of bubbling to the surface when you least expect. (Cue the tears in the Walmart cereal aisle when I see the granola my child loves.)
But I have good news for you. I survived! Not just one, but TWO children leaving my nest. Yes I cried, but I also, with the passing of time, saw that change, although difficult, can also be good. For all you moms out there preparing to drop off a first child, or maybe a last, or anyone in between, I have some wisdom and encouragement to share.
First, and this is encouraging only in the sense of commiseration, leaving your kid in a dorm room is hard. There’s no way around it.
Yes, you are happy for them. Yes, you want them to be independent, productive adults. Yes, this is part of the normal maturing process. But it’s DIFFERENT. And in the weeks of late August and September, little reminders poke you in the heart every day. The bedroom is empty. The seat at the dinner table – vacant. The house is one child quieter, the grocery list a little shorter.
I have two vivid memories from the wake of child #1 leaving. First, my friend Caroline saying (because her first child left at the same time), “They have lives now that we won’t know about.” That seems obvious, even healthy, but after spending 18 years clothing, bathing, feeding and interacting with a person every day, a Mom feels the absence of that person with painful clarity.
Second, a few days after child #1 left, child #3 wanted to move out of the bedroom he was sharing with child #4. That meant cleaning child #1’s photos, books, and mementos out of the room. I took a deep breath and tackled the bulletin board first. The tears started violently and immediately. I mean ugly crying, with snot dripping down my chin and a little bit of hyperventilation. Child #3 didn’t quite know what to do with me. With the removal of every thumb tack and photo, the sobbing resumed.
Eventually, I got the room in order. Eventually, I didn’t cry so much. Child #1 had lots of fun at college. He made great friends, tackled leadership positions, and designed a lot of computer gizmos. (I try to keep up with all of the computer engineering lingo, but I’ll keep it basic here.) About two years into his college career, child #1 gave a presentation about his faith walk, and I got to witness it. While he talked, a realization hit me. My child could not have gotten to where he was without leaving me. I could not give him the things he needed in order to blossom, but other people and places could. And he was better for it.
Again, it sounds obvious and basic, right? But for me, it was a huge revelation. A huge step forward in my growth in the ability to let go, trust the process, and fret less. (Ironically, as I write this, child #3 is playing “Let It Be” on the piano.)
Life is definitely different with older kids, but not worse. Before child #1 left, I worried about communication, even tried to enforce a weekly phone call requirement, but that wasn’t received well. With time, we established a regular rhythm of communication that worked well for both of us, and that healthy pattern of communication remains intact today. This week, he’s off with friends in the western states, and he called me yesterday, “just to check in.” That is good. That is healthy.
My world hasn’t shrunk because my children are launching. It has expanded. Because of them, I have traveled to Europe, learned a little conversational French, tried my hand at Pinochle. I’ve discussed interesting ideas about policy, world history, and management styles. I know what a GUI is. And, I’ve met more people, seen more places, and grown in my love and appreciation for my kids more than I thought I could.
Change isn’t bad, it’s just different, and it is one of the few consistent aspects of life. The sooner we learn to roll with, instead of roll against, change, the healthier and happier we will all be. That goes for moms as well as the kids we love.
How do you adapt to the changes life brings?
Thanks for getting nerdy with me!
