When my first child left for college, the transition shook me harder than I expected. It took me a long time to process, and overcome, what I would eventually label my grief. I feel pretty certain, looking back, that I was clinically depressed. Four years later, I am preparing to send child #3 off to college. I *think* I am ready, although emotions have a wily way of bubbling to the surface when you least expect. (Cue the tears in the Walmart cereal aisle when I see the granola my child loves.)
But I have good news for you. I survived! Not just one, but TWO children leaving my nest. Yes I cried, but I also, with the passing of time, saw that change, although difficult, can also be good. For all you moms out there preparing to drop off a first child, or maybe a last, or anyone in between, I have some wisdom and encouragement to share.
First, and this is encouraging only in the sense of commiseration, leaving your kid in a dorm room is hard. There’s no way around it.
Yes, you are happy for them. Yes, you want them to be independent, productive adults. Yes, this is part of the normal maturing process. But it’s DIFFERENT. And in the weeks of late August and September, little reminders poke you in the heart every day. The bedroom is empty. The seat at the dinner table – vacant. The house is one child quieter, the grocery list a little shorter.
I have two vivid memories from the wake of child #1 leaving. First, my friend Caroline saying (because her first child left at the same time), “They have lives now that we won’t know about.” That seems obvious, even healthy, but after spending 18 years clothing, bathing, feeding and interacting with a person every day, a Mom feels the absence of that person with painful clarity.
Second, a few days after child #1 left, child #3 wanted to move out of the bedroom he was sharing with child #4. That meant cleaning child #1’s photos, books, and mementos out of the room. I took a deep breath and tackled the bulletin board first. The tears started violently and immediately. I mean ugly crying, with snot dripping down my chin and a little bit of hyperventilation. Child #3 didn’t quite know what to do with me. With the removal of every thumb tack and photo, the sobbing resumed.
Eventually, I got the room in order. Eventually, I didn’t cry so much. Child #1 had lots of fun at college. He made great friends, tackled leadership positions, and designed a lot of computer gizmos. (I try to keep up with all of the computer engineering lingo, but I’ll keep it basic here.) About two years into his college career, child #1 gave a presentation about his faith walk, and I got to witness it. While he talked, a realization hit me. My child could not have gotten to where he was without leaving me. I could not give him the things he needed in order to blossom, but other people and places could. And he was better for it.
Again, it sounds obvious and basic, right? But for me, it was a huge revelation. A huge step forward in my growth in the ability to let go, trust the process, and fret less. (Ironically, as I write this, child #3 is playing “Let It Be” on the piano.)
Life is definitely different with older kids, but not worse. Before child #1 left, I worried about communication, even tried to enforce a weekly phone call requirement, but that wasn’t received well. With time, we established a regular rhythm of communication that worked well for both of us, and that healthy pattern of communication remains intact today. This week, he’s off with friends in the western states, and he called me yesterday, “just to check in.” That is good. That is healthy.
My world hasn’t shrunk because my children are launching. It has expanded. Because of them, I have traveled to Europe, learned a little conversational French, tried my hand at Pinochle. I’ve discussed interesting ideas about policy, world history, and management styles. I know what a GUI is. And, I’ve met more people, seen more places, and grown in my love and appreciation for my kids more than I thought I could.
Change isn’t bad, it’s just different, and it is one of the few consistent aspects of life. The sooner we learn to roll with, instead of roll against, change, the healthier and happier we will all be. That goes for moms as well as the kids we love.
How do you adapt to the changes life brings?
Thanks for getting nerdy with me!
All three of our children flew the coop within the space of one month. Each had graduated their respective school level. We had had a house fire in February (2002) and were building a brand-new home. We had rented a small house in town to live in during construction. From late July to late August, all three moved out. My wife and I moved into our new 5-bedroom home with just the two of us!
Only the one child went “away” to college. Our oldest went all the way to NC to attend college – half the continent away. Sarah McLachlan’s “I Will Remember You” was popular at the time, and the song brought my wife to tears. One attended college nearby and one did not go to college.
The real heartbreaker was when they moved away from our area. Our nearest children are about an 11-hour drive away. Our oldest is even further.
Our youngest (a daughter) had moved to the nearest “big-city” right after High School. But she was only one hour away. My wife and I would often take our bikes to that city and ride its beautiful bike trail through a series of parks. We would time it so that she could meet us at the local Fuddruckers for lunch. When she married and moved to her husband’s home state, we still tried to ride bikes in the city. But we found it more grief than joy for we could not meet our daughter there. We have probably taken our bikes to that city 10 times since then … and that was 18 years ago!
Just before our middle child moved away with his wife, we spent the evening at the same big city. We laughed it up and did all kinds of interesting things. But I was dying inside.
But even though we miss them all, it has been a joy to see them grow and expand their own families. Each has a good spouse, a good job, and a good church to attend. I could not ask for more!
This really resonated with me Julia. Especially all of the places I’ve been, the things I’ve learned, and the growing I’ve done because my children have expanded their world. Also, the faith walk. There’s nothing like them finding their own faith and seeing that grow. I’ve learned much from them on this account as well.
Yay Lynne! Glad you enjoyed it and could relate. 🙂 You are one of my “mom role models.” 🙂
I just found your blog and it hit home. We’re empty nesters with 5 grown sons (youngest just graduated from college) but I still get a lump in my throat missing them. Not everyday. It does get better with time.
Thank you Jane! I’m glad you found Word Nerd and that my post meant something to you. It does get better. 😉 Thanks for stopping by!