Who I Am

What this mom REALLY wants for Mother’s Day

Posted on by Julia Tomiak / 0 Comment

My husband recently referred to me as the “comptroller” of the next big family event: college graduation for child #2.  I chuckled and thanked him for acknowledging my responsibility (read: stress) around the situation. Then, Word Nerd that I am, I looked up comptroller, an appropriate descriptor for me as I do like to control things. But I wondered, why the “mp” instead of “n”?

According to Investopedia.com, “a comptroller is a high-level executive that oversees the accounting tasks and financial reporting procedures of organizations. The comptroller oversees all accounting including accounts receivable, payroll, and loan transactions.”

I am definitely chief accountant and financial organizer for our family.  I pay the bills, check the balances, send the students their loans. But I also do much, much more.

Like, I know where the sunblock is (kitchen bathroom), and how much dog food is left in Scout’s container under the laundry room sink, and that Alex doesn’t like raisins, Rosie doesn’t eat gluten, Josh doesn’t enjoy Thai, and Eli hates tomatoes. And I make cooking accommodations as appropriate.

The trouble is, most people don’t notice this important intelligence, don’t realize the coordinating that goes on in the mind of a mother. Moms work under a cloak of invisibility to keep lives running smoothly and people living happily. It’s a fulfilling job, especially on the rare occasions when I am gathered with one or more of my family members enjoying a board game, a hike, or a thoughtful conversation. However, it is physically and emotionally exhausting.

Kelly Corrigan, on her podcast, recently devoted an essay to the hard work of mothers. In it, she suggested that instead of using intense adjectives, such as “breathtaking” and “heartbreaking” to describe sports, (at this particular season, golf), we should use them to describe mothers. I approve.

Yet, I don’t really want or need glowing adjectives. As Mother’s Day 2024 approaches, I’m asking my family, and society as a whole, for two simple things. First, acknowledgement and appreciation for all of that behind the scenes orchestrating I do to promote love and good health in our family and therefore, by extension, in the world. And second, a nap. Or at least time spent reclined on the couch reading a good book.

Wait, I lied, I want three things. Add to my list freedom from planning, preparing, or cleaning up ANY MEALs on Sunday, May 12.

I’m hopeful my desires will be met. The college kids say they will roll in this weekend. The oldest will call. That number four, though, I’m not sure. He’s 17 and reserved.

I would also like to give something to all of the mothers out there, particularly the ones younger than me. Two decades into this mothering gig, I want to save other moms precious time and energy. So please remember this statement: “No is a complete sentence.” 

The Word Nerd is taking grammatical liberty here to make a point.

Graphic that says: "No is a complete sentence."

I do so, at the beginning of May, because, it is a truth universally acknowledged that May is worse than December for your daily planner. If you have kids at or below the age of 18, this month of the year is cluttered with teacher appreciation events, awards assemblies, field trips, field days, and end of year parties. There are gifts to buy, sunscreen and hats to pack, and, oh yes, food to prepare. Cupcakes, fruit dip, and brownies. Special kudos and sympathy if you have a senior graduating, because then we can add announcements, more parties, and a cap and gown to the to do list. And what if you are a mother AND a teacher!? I’m at a loss.

Mothers, I see you. I know it’s hard. So be easy on yourself.

I’m all about pitching in and showing appreciation to the hard-working people who educate our children. I’m not endorsing hiding on your bed for the month of May, but I do suggest finding boundaries. You don’t have to send food in to EVERY SINGLE classroom event plus volunteer for field day. Most importantly, don’t feel guilty about the things you can’t or choose not to do. Despite the myth culture spins at us, we cannot do everything. Something will give, most likely, you. If you are screaming to get your children loaded in the car to get to the awards ceremony because your calendar is too full and your energy too low, something has to change.

We do our best mothering when we are rested, fed, and appreciated.

Mother’s Day 2016
Tomiak family photo 2023
A rare moment together, 2023.

Moms, take a break. Families, take heed of my message.  Everyone, Happy Mother’s Day!

Thanks for getting nerdy with me!

Words and Technology

Evaluate your technology use today for Digital Wellness Day!

Posted on by Julia Tomiak / 1 Comment
Digital Wellness Day May 3

I know it seems like every day on the calendar now has a holiday associated with it (Siblings Day, Red Head Day, even Tater Tot Day– Feb 2, if you’re interested), but I want to share an important new one I just learned about: Digital Wellness Day. And it’s today, May 3. The idea of Digital Wellness Day is to pause and evaluate our relationship with technology. To make sure it’s a tool that is working for us, and not the other way around. And in this digital age, I think that’s a fantastic idea.

A few weeks ago, I shared about my anxiety and how I realized I needed to be more mindful about the content I choose to consume. May is revving up to be a stressful month, and more than ever, I need to choose my media wisely. A great podcast for positive thinking is one my daughter shared with me, called The Happiness Lab by Dr. Laurie Santos, a psychology professor at Yale. Recently, Dr. Santos introduced her listeners to Digital Wellness Day. She interviewed Amy Blankson, author of The Future of Happiness and Chief Evangelist for the Digital Wellness Institute. The two discussed a few things to try on Digital Wellness Day to make sure you have a healthy relationship with tech.

Digital Wellness Tip #1: Know your intentions

Blankson’s overarching point was that to use technology in a healthy way, we need to set intentions for how we use it. To do that, we need to determine our goals and see how they align with our technology use. So the first thing she recommends is naming your top three priorities in life. What is most important to you? Work? Success? Wealth? Creativity? Connection? Pause right now and come up with your three.

[Mine are faith, connection, health. Creativity is a close fourth, but we have to stick to three...]

Then, guess how much time you spend on your phone each day, AND what three apps you use the most. Go ahead. Do that now.

[Because I’ve read Digital Minimalism, I check my screen time and know it’s about four hours a day. I guessed my most used apps were iMessage, Podcasts, and Notes/ Evernote]

Blankson believes you can’t make change without knowing where you are, so the next step is to dig into your phone and see how your actual phone use lines up with your perceptions of your use AND your values. Open the settings on your phone and evaluate your screen time and app use. Ideally, your top three apps should align with your top three priorities. On iPhone, you can do this by going to Settings -> Screen Time-> See all app & website activity. Toggle around to see your weekly average daily screen time, most used apps, and number of pick ups.

I was happy to see my results!

This is about where I expected it.

Whoo hoo! My app use lined up with my expectations and goals as well! How about you?

See those timers by Instagram and Facebook? I have a 30 minute time limit set for social media apps. That’s called a “stopping cue,” and we’ll get to that in a minute…

I’m happy that, at least today, my phone us is balanced. But, I think a yearly (or quarterly) reminder to assess my technology use is a great idea.

Digital Wellness Tip #2: The “Really Rule”

You can listen to the podcast to hear Blankson’s explanation of The Really Rule, but it’s something I’m sure will sound familiar. Before you reach for your phone, or open Facebook, or play Connections, ask yourself, “Do I REALLY need to do that right now? Or is there something else, something that aligns better with my goals and values, that I can do now?”

[I also tend to use The Really Rule with food. E.g., before reaching for that bag of chocolate chips in the pantry, I ask myself, Are you really hungry, or are you tired and need a nap? Or, is this REALLY the best food to fuel your body right now?]

Self discipline is like a muscle, people. The more we use it, the stronger it gets. Trust me.

Digital Wellness Tip #3: Stopping cues

According to Blankson, we can use “Stopping Cues” to help us reign in our digital use. A stopping cue is any visual or auditory reminder that helps us step back or pause to evaluate. Few of us intend to spend half an hour watching Tik Tok puppy videos, but we open the app and …. wow, time flies. So any kind of cue – a timer, or an app limit, can stop us from losing too much time to our screens.

I have 30 minute app limits set on my phone for all social media apps. I also have all notifications turned off, so I’m only looking at the app when I choose to do so, and usually only once or twice a day.

Another example is my puppy timer. Every weekday morning, an alarm goes off at 6:55. This tells me to stop reading email/ scanning news stories/ scrolling through IG and walk my poor dogs who have been waiting since I fed them to go outside. Also because of Cal Newport and Digital Minimalism, I no longer take my phone to listen to podcasts on those walks. We listen to the birds. And sniff for deer.

Scout says, “Hey! It’s time to walk!” 🙂

Your turn!

Now that you have some tools, I encourage you to take time today, on Digital Wellness Day, to evaluate your technology habits and figure out how you can reach a healthy balance that isn’t phone addiction or technology avoidance, but something in between, a state Blankson calls “Digital Flourishing.” Ooo, I like the sound of that. Technology, like everything else, has pros and cons. I want to maximize the pros and make sure it’s a tool under my control, and not the other way around.

If you’re interested in this topic, check out my review of Digital Minimalism by Cal Newport.

How’d you do with step one, know your intentions? Are your values, expectations, and phone use lining up? How do you monitor your use of technology, and do you think this is an important issue?

Thanks for getting nerdy with me!

Book reviews

David Joy offers nuance and grit in Appalachian novel

Posted on by Julia Tomiak / 0 Comment
Graphic with book cover of When These Mountains Burn by David Joy

I’ve found a new author! David Joy wields words with grit and uses poetic description to capture the heart of the mountains. After I listened to the first chapter of his novel, When These Mountains Burn, I knew I’d be facing yet another book about the Opioid Crisis in Appalachia. (I’ve also read, and highly recommend, Demon Copperhead by Barbara Kingsolver and Dopesick by Beth Macy.) Yet even though I faced another ride through addiction and despair, I couldn’t help myself. David Joy writes compelling prose.

So compelling that I wonder why I never heard much about Joy’s novel When These Mountains Burn, published in 2020, yet heard SO MUCH about Demon Copperhead, published in 2022. Both tackle the opioid crisis and its affect on rural communities, and quite frankly, I liked Joy’s novel better. His use of multiple points of view and intense pacing made this short, 272 page novel fly by, but had the same sobering affect as Kingsolver’s 560 page story, which often felt long.

The Premise

When These Mountains Burn presents three distinct characters: Raymond Mathis, the father of an addict; Denny Rattler, a man sucked into addiction after a work accident on a construction site; and a DEA agent determined to find the source of the drugs tainting the mountains of Western North Carolina. The competing story lines of these three characters end up colliding as each makes a critical choice to change the way things are going in the Carolina Mountains near Cherokee. All of this against the backdrop of raging forest fires destroying acres of mountains, much like how the opioid crisis is destroying hundreds of lives.

What I liked

Joy’s writing is sparse, yet descriptive. His characters pop off the page. I could appreciate Raymond’s anger with his son’s choices while I also felt his love for the boy he raised. Joy assaults his readers with disturbing images, like those of addicts shooting into their necks, yet balances that with softer contemplation of forgiveness and chosen family. But expect more gritty than sentimental.

In one scene, when Denny’s sister tries to encourage him to seek help for his addiction, the narration gave me great insight into how the mind of an addict might work:

But an addict’s mind was a rockin’ chair. You could have full understanding that moderation didn’t apply to people like you, and at the same time, convince yourself that you could do a little without wantin’ a lot. It was almost like the drugs were talkin’ when things got like that, like the voice you were hearing in your head wasn’t even your own, even tho it sounded like you and reasoned like you.

When These Mountains Burn, David Joy

Somehow, Joy makes you care about each of his characters, the father, the addict, and the DEA agent, all at the same time. The world he creates balances nuance and hard lines, and that conflict kept me tuned in.

What I didn’t like

The description of addicts shooting drugs into their necks, obviously.

Recommendation

If you haven’t yet read a novel about the opioid crisis, I highly recommend When These Mountains Burn. It’s a faster read, with more punch, than Demon Copperhead. And if you’ve already worked your way through Copperhead, I daresay this issue is worth another read. When These Mountains Burn does a great job of exploring all sides of the complicated issue of opioid addiction and what it does to our communities.

David Joy will be speaking at our annual Chautauqua Creative Writing awards this June 21, 2024 at The Millwald Theatre in Wytheville. I cannot wait to hear him, and I plan to read his most recent release, Those We Thought We Knew, next. Watch for a review!

Have you read other books about the opioid crisis? Any you recommend?

Thanks for getting nerdy with me!

Who I Am

Finding ways to manage anxiety in 2024

Posted on by Julia Tomiak / 5 Comments

The Problem

It took a while to realize what ailed me.

First, I couldn’t fall asleep. I don’t usually struggle with insomnia, but one night last week my mind churned into the wee hours. I heard my son stirring too and wondered what he was doing up so late. My Mother Voice niggled me. Do I need to dig into his habits? When was the last time we discussed healthy choices? On the verge of an empty nest and excited about the possibilities opening to me as mothering duties decline, sometimes I forget to engage with child #4 like I did with #s 1, 2 and 3.

So, cue the mother guilt.

Then my brain turned to self depreciating thoughts about how I’m handling my new job as a school board member. These early months in the role feel like drinking water from a fire hose. So much policy to decipher, so many schools to visit, so many relationships to navigate. I often feel inadequate to the task.

Finally, when I did fall asleep, nightmares plagued me. I don’t watch or read violent content, but sweet old me dreamed of trying to kill off, like a pesky insect, a public figure who irritates me. He would not die, so I had to keep trying, just like a Terminator movie.

Then, thanks to my evening reading of This Tender Land by William Kent Krueger, which opens at a home for orphaned children, I dreamed I lived in an orphanage. And my assigned bunk had several bags of ticks hanging on the wall next to it. Yikes!

No sleep for Julia that night!

The next day, besides overwhelming fatigue, I continued to experience worry and a rapid heartbeat. I knew looking at my phone would only feed my unease, and yet I couldn’t help myself. I wanted distraction, but I only found more to upset me. The cycle disrupted my day.

It took until mid afternoon to name my problem.

Anxiety.

I haven’t experienced a state of sustained agitation like that since I was taking care of my dying father. But once I recognized the problem, I could take action.

The Solution

First, I folded the baskets of clean laundry that had cluttered in my family room for days. In my world, outer order promotes inner calm. While folding, I listened to a new podcast from The Washington Post called Impromptu. In it, opinion writers discuss the thought processes behind their published columns. The episode I listened to was called “How to cope with the absurd, high stakes 2024 election.” The columnists discussed how they put limits on their consumption of and discussions about politics to protect their mental health. They encouraged each other, and listeners, to find the narrow balance between staying informed and over indulging on politically charged news.

Clearly, I’ve been consuming too much toxic news and commentary about our political system. Time to reevaluate my reading and listening habits.

Side note, my oldest son recently introduced me to a new word: “timeboxing.” He used it to describe how he might limit his interactions with an annoying co-worker. I’m applying it to news consumption.

My second strategy for battling anxiety is, as I stated in my New Year’s post, spending more time reading and sharing Good News. Positive news news stories exists, but our brains are wired to focus on crises and threats. My bout of anxiety revived my intention to focus on positive content. I have culled some political/ current events podcasts from my playlist and added more thoughtful, inspiring ones, like Wiser Than Me by Julia Louis-Dreyfus. I’ve also recommitted to reading at least three stories a week from Reasons to Be Cheerful, a nonprofit dedicated to stories about solutions. I loved this piece about how academic institutions are helping save local news. Or this Instagram post about women applauding women (something we don’t see enough in our culture.)

Also, I put down the novel about adults abusing kids at an orphanage and picked up Ross Gay’s collection of essays, Inciting Joy. Gay, a poet and essayist, has a humorous, wandering, and thought provoking voice. His writing usually makes me smile, if not laugh out loud. Also, in honor of National Poetry Month, I have a few poetry collections on my nightstand. That’s what I’ll read before bed if my mind needs settling and peace.

@jtomiak

I’m currently reading, and loving, Inciting Joy., an essay collection by Ross Gay. I share a blurb. 🤓#joy #booktokrecs

♬ original sound – J Tomiak

I also recalled the importance of breath work. All last fall, during cross country season, I preached to my athletes about the benefits of breathing to control stress (particularly on the starting line.) Yet, I’d forgotten how much a long exhale can activate the parasympathetic nervous system and calm my nerves. Welcome back, box breathing,.

Finally, I am adding more outdoor green time. Evidence exists that listening to bird song and spending time outside improves our mental health. With temperatures rising and plants blooming, it’s easier to spend time outside, and I plan to take full advantage of that. Look out garden beds, here I come.

With wars abroad and a contentious election at home, 2024 could be a stressful year. But, we have tools available to manage our well being. I’m choosing to carefully consume content, focus on the positive, spend more time outside (without devices!) and BREATHE.

It’s a tough world out there, people. Take care of yourselves. How will you do it this week? Share in the comments.

Thanks for getting nerdy with me!

Appreciating Poetry

Advice from Poet Laureate Ada Limon for National Poetry Month

Posted on by Julia Tomiak / 2 Comments

When I bought three tickets to Ada Limon’s presentation at the Virginia Festival of the Book, I couldn’t wait to hear a famous poet speak and to share the experience with two of my poetry loving children. What I didn’t realize until I was sitting in the plush seats in the gorgeous Paramount Theater in Charlottesville is that Limon recently was named the 24th Poet Laureate of the United States! My fan girl factor shot up three levels. And Ada Limon did not disappoint.

Limon read from her latest poetry collection, The Hurting Kind, and shared her signature project as Poet Laureate: “You Are Here.” Nature inspires much of Limon’s writing, and her project has two initiatives. First, Limon curated a collection of poems called You Are Here: Poetry in the Natural World. Second, as part of Poetry in Parks, Limon will visit seven national parks during 2024 to commemorate the installation of an historic American poem on a picnic table in each park. Limon hopes the poems will serve as public works of art to inspire park visitors to better enjoy their surroundings.

Among her many accolades, including a Mac Arthur Genius Fellowship and a Guggenheim Fellowship, Limon has earned a special honor. With a huge smile, she told the audience, “I sound like a pathological liar when I say this, but I was chosen to write a poem that will be engraved on NASA’s Europa Clipper Spacecraft that will be launched to the second moon of Jupiter in October 2024.” NASA imposed just a few requirements. The poem had to be about water, it had to be short (you know, to fit on the side of a space ship), and it had to be written at the 4th grade level. “I asked if they thought aliens read at the fourth grade level,” she joked. To the crowd’s delight, she read that poem to us. At the end, I had tears in my eyes. I don’t think it’s published anywhere yet, but when it is, I will find it and share it.

Poetry is in love with language.
Poetry is in love with the failure of language

Ava Limon, US Poet Laureate, 2024

Limon encouraged the audience to make time for writing and to take part in National Poetry Month, which happens each April. In fact, her “You Are Here” project launches this month. “Write one poem a day, even if it’s junk. At the end of the month, you’ll have a collection of poems to edit,” she told the audience.

Limon also had this advice:

Quote from Ada Limon - find the silence

In this world filled with violent rhetoric, endless clickbait, reports of violence, and tales of loss, I found this advice particularly profound. Limon gave me permission to do what I’ve been craving for a while now.

As a related aside, I’m reading the essay collection Inciting Joy by Ross Gay, who I saw at the 2023 Virginia Festival of the Book. (They get some talented authors!) In his essay, Gay ponders why people so often get offended by W.H. Auden’s famous line from his poem “In Memory of W.B. Yeats”:

…poetry makes nothing happen.

W.H. Auden

Gay asserts that too often, people assume the line means poetry is ineffective. Instead, he counters, what if the line asserts that poetry does make something happen, and that happening is nothing? He says, in his endearing, verbose way, “In other words, a poem, or poetry, can stop time, or so-called time at least… This is one of the suite of poems Auden write in the late thirties and early forties, a period when one might have wanted so-called time – the clock, the airplanes, the trains, the perfectly diabolical synchronous goosestep rhythm of time itself- to stop.”

That’s two poets (Gay also writes poetry) telling me within the span of two weeks to find and embrace the nothing, the quiet. I will take that advice. And, write a few poems. How about you?

Happy National Poetry Month! To learn more, visit Poets.org. Check out their ideas for celebrating and teaching poems, as well as poems to share for Poem in Your Pocket Day, April 18.

I also like listening to The Slowdown Podcast, hosted by poet Major Jackson. It helps me wind down and find the silence after a busy day.

Thanks for getting nerdy with me!

Improving vocabulary

Inspiration via a new word this holiday weekend: eudemonia

Posted on by Julia Tomiak / 0 Comment

A Word Nerdish friend recently shared a word I’d never heard before:

Eudemonia

Also spelled eudaemonia, this was my friend’s word of the day from Alexa.  And after a week dominated by a bridge collapse, political fights, and more bad news from Gaza and Ukraine, I thought we needed this word, which has roots in…

What do you think, Word Nerds? Take a guess. Focus on that prefix, “eu.” Think “euphemism” or “euphoria.”  Any ideas?

Eudemonia: from the Greek, eudaimonia, having a good attendant or indwelling spirit, lucky, happy (from eu- + daimon-, daimōn spirit)  (Thank you, Merriam Webster.)

The simplest translation of Eudemonia is happiness, but there’s more to it. According to Positive Psychology, eudemonia is about not a state of being, but a process in which a person uses reason, an understanding of their true nature, and virtuous pursuit of their personal gifts to fully realize who they are meant to be. The idea has roots in the philosophy of Plato, Aristotle, and Socrates.

The same article from Positive Psychology offers an extensive history behind eudemonia, the modern definition of the concept, and most importantly for us, tips for pursuing eudemonia. They include knowing your life goals, focusing your talents and skills on achieving those goals, developing your potential, being fully engaged in what you do (because you find it meaningful and enjoyable), and expressing yourself.

It seemed appropriate to contemplate this word today, as I practice Christianity, (the loving kind), and today is Good Friday, a time to reflect on the love of Jesus, who sacrificed himself completely to save sinners around the world. My pursuit of happiness and fulfillment is intrinsically tied up in my faith, and the concept of eudemonia, gives me something meaningful to contemplate during Holy Week.

How I pursue happiness

I’m getting older. Therefore, I appreciate the value of each day and the need to use time well. I try to live intentionally, moving toward goals and practicing mindfulness.

One of my favorite yoga poses: Child’s Pose

I need a lot of help and reminders. Reading articles like the one from Positive Psychology help me keep my focus and find new tools. I also try to practice the following activities daily: (doesn’t always work, but it’s the goal)

  • Dedicate time in my schedule for creative pursuits: writing, photography, playing piano, crafting, painting, cooking
  • Begin each day with quiet time (which includes prayer, reading scripture, reading for personal growth) and find time for solitude during the day (e.g. while walking the dogs, meditation, yoga, cooking in a quiet kitchen)
  • Start the day with exercise- even 10 minutes is better than nothing
  • Connect with people- in person is best, but texts, calls, or note writing will do

I’m also a fan of The Happiness Lab podcast, which features research on the science of happiness. (Thank you, Rosie.) I listened to Happier by Gretchen Rubin for a while, but it started to feel to fluffy.

How about you? What do you think of this idea of eudemonia? How do you pursue happiness? Had you heard of eudemonia before this post?

Thank you, Patty Pile, for this idea! 🙂

Thanks for getting nerdy with me!